The Art of Pretending Read online

  Too curious to help herself, Ashley immediately scrambled to the kitchen. She scrutinized the cabinets to either side of the single-basin sink, the ones below it, and the pair over the stove.

  Deciding Nira valued her books too much to put them directly next to either moisture or heat, she chose the set furthest from both. “Bingo.” She stood in awe of the numerous books, stacked both vertically and horizontally, packed in like someone was trying for the high score of Tetris.

  “Any room in there?” Nira peered around Ashley’s shoulder, and Ashley tried not to react to her sudden closeness.

  Ashley coughed into her hand. “Doesn’t look like it.”

  Nira lightly slapped her shoulder. “Shush.”

  The slap turned into a soft grip. Ashley slightly adjusted her stance as Nira went on her tiptoes to see better into the cabinets, her hand reflexively hovering over Nira’s lower back, just in case.

  “I could give you a boost onto the counter if you’d like.” Ashley pictured herself picking Nira up by the hips, sliding her onto the countertop and—no.

  “You know, you might make more friends if you didn’t casually insult people all the time.” Nira, still pondering the hodgepodge of books, sounded distracted. “If you rearrange those on the end, I think we could fit two or three more.”

  Ashley flicked a glance her way. “How did you even manage to get all of these in there if you can’t reach them?”

  “I can reach a lot of them! And, okay, so maybe I do climb up on the counter. A bit.” She sighed. “Leisha and Terri helped when I first moved in.”

  “Not to sound like a lesbian, but maybe a trip to Ikea is in order. They’ve got some storage solutions that might be more accessible. And maybe some step ladders.”

  Nira gave her a strange look. “And Ikea is a lesbian thing, how?”

  “Have you not seen how many gay couples go to Ikea on dates? It’s a real thing.” Ashley nodded solemnly to emphasize her point.

  “I do like to go to Ikea,” Nira mused. She caught Ashley’s gaze and tilted her head. “But I’m a bisexual. Does that hurt your very scientific analysis?”

  Unperturbed, Ashley shook her head. “Not at all. You’re the third letter in the core LGBTQ+ initialism, which I’ve been assured multiple times does not stand for bacon, as some have argued. Definitely supports my very valid claim.”

  Nira set the bag of books down on the counter and turned so they were facing one another. She crossed her arms, but her eyes were sparking with life; she was enjoying herself. “Well, I guess I’m glad to be included.”

  Ashley licked her lips and leaned back. It took everything in her to not make a flirty comment. They were friends, no matter how cute Nira looked. “So does that mean you’ll take my advice?”

  “I guess I could find my tape measure somewhere, see what kind of room I have to work with for another small shelf.” Nira picked the bag back up. “Until then, I guess these will just have to stay on my nightstand.”

  “A sound plan.” Ashley rubbed her collarbone. Should she leave since the decision had been made?

  Nira nibbled her lower lip. “Can you hang out a minute while I put these away? There’s still something I wanted to talk about, if you don’t mind.”

  “No problem.” Ashley wandered to the living room while she waited. She wondered if Nira wanted to process the run in with Erin. In her place, Ashley probably would.

  A moment later, Nira was back. She was twisting and kneading her hands together. “So, um.”

  Ashley tried not to frown. “Yes?”

  “I feel really good when I’m with you. Safe. Normal.”

  It felt like Ashley’s heart leapt in her chest. She ignored its loud thumping as she swallowed. “Yeah?”

  “Yeah.” Nira blew out a breath. “So, I kind of just want to go full-on, straight through with it. Well, straight isn’t the right word.”

  Was Nira asking her out? There was no way Nira was asking her out. Ashley schooled her features. “Meaning…?”

  “You don’t have to lie, exactly,” Nira rubbed her forehead. “I mean, um. Just, do what you’ve been doing. I know my friends, and I know at this point they’ll think we’re together regardless of what I say. I want to let them do that.”

  Ashley’s stomach dropped and she stopped holding her breath. Of course, Nira hadn’t been asking her out. “You want to fake date. Officially.”

  “Is that weird? It’s weird, isn’t it?” Nira covered her face with both hands. “I’m sorry. I’m not myself lately. That’s the problem. I just feel the most me when we’re—ugh. Sorry, sorry. It was selfish to ask.”

  And then, because Ashley was the biggest masochist in the world, she smiled. “No. It’s okay. It’s not weird.” She chuckled and scratched her cheek. “Well, maybe a little weird? But I’m okay with that.”

  “Really?” Nira grinned and bounced in place. “Really?” she repeated, as if still not believing Ashley had said yes.

  Ashley grinned back. Nira seemed so happy, and that happiness was directed at her. Something tightened in Ashley’s chest. It was trouble, but it wasn’t Trouble. Yet. “I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t mean it.”

  “Ugh.” Nira hugged herself, then bounced forward. “When I’m feeling better, we’ll have to find you a real, proper girlfriend. You’re too wonderful to be wasted on fake dates for long.”

  Ashley pursed her lips. Fake dating Nira sounded better than dating anyone else for real. “Who says I want a real, proper girlfriend?”

  Nira chuckled. “Okay.” She squirmed for a moment, then moved forward with open arms. Ashley reciprocated the hug without thought, ducking her head alongside Nira’s.

  She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. Nira smelled like jasmine and citrus.

  “Thank you so much,” Nira whispered.

  Ashley let herself linger in the scent. “No problem,” she said, hoping it would be true.

  Four

  January ended and February passed in a blur. Despite what Nira had said, she still felt odd about misleading her friends. It was just her turn to keep a secret from them, she supposed. They met up once a week at one place or another, and Ashley had come through every time.

  She’d dodged her friends’ questions about Ashley, no doubt reinforcing the idea that they were not-so-secretly dating. Upon questioning, Nira had been forced to reveal they’d spent a little time on Valentine’s Day together, though it had just been a short, innocuous trip to Ikea.

  Ashley insisted that the truth was pretty gay, and considering the relative permanence of furniture, could definitely be construed as romantic. She still hadn’t told anyone the specifics of their outing.

  Nira still found herself smiling when she thought about it. It helped her deception, even if it was an honest response. It was the simplest, most complicated thing about spending time with Ashley. The bond was very real.

  Ashley was a wonderful friend. A wonderful woman.

  “How you feeling?” Ashley squeezed her shoulder.

  “Fine.” She was not fine. A swarm of butterflies had taken up residence in her stomach and they were not happy with her. It was possible she might be sick.

  “Hm.” Ashley shuffled so she was standing in front of her. “You look amazing, but we don’t have to go.”

  Nira peered around Ashley. She’d felt good about the black pantsuit when she’d bought it. It looked great on her. That wasn’t the problem. “I go to this party every year, but I don’t know if I’m ready to face them. Or to go through with this.”

  Ashley moved again, her hand gently cupping Nira’s jaw and tilting it up. “Say the word and it’s back to sweats and comfy shirts. There’s a new reality show on Netflix I’ve been wanting to check out.”

  Not for the first time, Nira thought how wasted Ashley was on her. Ashley had donned a dress for the evening, something red and form-fitting that had made Nira look twice. Ashley had done something new with her hair, brunette bangs framing one side of her face wh
ile the rest remained pulled back in a neat tail. She’d even put on lip gloss, though it was transparent. It gave her mouth a faint shine that made Nira notice how full her lower lip was. “But you look so good. It’d be a crime to make you stay home with me.”

  “Nira,” Ashley started, then stopped. Her lips wobbled, then she laughed and shook her head. “Beyond you wanting to cement our ‘relationship status’ to everyone, we both know there’s a good chance Regan and Erin are going to be at this party. It doesn’t matter how I look if you’re not ready.”

  Nira barely flinched at the mention of their names. Progress. “I want to be ready. Does that count?”

  Ashley hummed and moved from out in front of the mirror, positioning herself behind Nira once more. “It doesn’t hurt. You really look amazing in this.” She paused, and Nira found her face in the mirror.

  Unless she was imagining things, Ashley’s cheeks were tinged with a few shades of pink. Ashley gently cleared her throat. “I was thinking of a way to out us, so to speak.”

  “What did you have in mind?” Nira wasn’t sure why, but the butterflies in her stomach swarmed again, her heartbeat picking up its pace to rival them.

  “I’ve still been treating you more like a close friend in public. Your friends just don’t really know me.”

  She met Ashley’s eyes. There were different shades of brown in them, with little flecks of golden-brown toward the center of her irises. “Um, what are you trying to say?”

  Ashley moved closer and brought her hands to Nira’s shoulders. “How would you feel if I semi-publicly snuck a kiss or two from you, tonight?”

  For a moment, Nira’s brain ceased to function. Words failed her, and she couldn’t string two thoughts together. “Um, I don’t—”

  “Not real ones, relax,” Ashley chuckled, though Nira didn’t detect any mirth in her expression. “It’ll just be a little acting, with some trick angles to help.”

  Nira squinted at her, some semblance of sense finally returning. “Acting? Trick angles?”

  Ashley chuckled and shrugged. “I had to participate in some plays in high school. It wasn’t my favorite thing, especially since I usually had to fake-kiss boys. But, yeah. Let’s up the stakes tonight, go wild. I bet you’ll be too worried about that to think about anything else.”

  Not anything else, Nira thought, but she needed to face the reality of Regan and Erin sooner or later. Closure might be nice. She still wasn’t sure she’d hang around Texas. Her family was a safe choice and moving on might not be possible if she stayed where she was. She could still keep in touch with her friends. “I mean, don’t force yourself. We don’t have to.”

  Ashley gave her a slow smile. “Don’t worry. I know what I’m doing. Trust me.”

  Their eyes caught. Her mouth felt dry.

  “Okay.” It was tempting to lean back into Ashley, though Nira wasn’t sure where the compulsion came from. She wondered if they might dance together that night.

  It had been a while since she’d danced with someone else—so long, that maybe it was better if they didn’t. Regan had always been the better dancer. “By the way,” she lightly brushed the back of Ashley’s hand with her fingertips, prompting Ashley to move away. She turned around in the newly made space. “There’s this thing we do every year during Spring Break. I meant to ask you before, but I wasn’t sure I’d feel up to going.”

  Ashley visibly perked up. “Yeah, what is it? I can probably still get someone to cover for me at work.”

  “I’m still not a hundred percent sure I’ll want to go, but… Terri organizes a little something adventurous every year. We usually don’t know what it is until a few days before. Last year it was hiking and a hot spring in Big Bend. The year before that we went to South Padre for this music event.”

  “So, a total surprise then, huh? I’m in. And, if you decide not to go, I can still go in to work to help if I need to.” Ashley braced her hands on her hips and smiled.

  Nira scoffed, but she was smiling, too. “You work too much, you know that? I might feel obligated to do this year’s thing just so you get a break.”

  “Uh, ex-squeeze me? Who was up until midnight last night grading papers?”

  “Ah! No!” Nira wagged a finger at her. “No! I was only up that late because someone kept distracting me with cute animal pictures!”

  Ashley raised her hands in a defensive motion. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Uh-huh,” Nira drawled. Her dread had subsided. For the moment. “Come on, we should get going. We’ll be late.”

  “I hear that’s fashionable in some circles.”

  “Not mine.”

  ***

  Could a kiss be a lie?

  It’s something Ashley found herself wondering for the entire drive. She didn’t like to lie.

  When she held Nira’s hand or touched her shoulder, the feelings behind those gestures were real. She cared about Nira. At first, she’d thought that care had come purely from the need to help and protect Nira. The crush from before had been negligible. Nothing, really.

  Except Nira was kind and funny, and maybe a little broken. She was addicted to books and sweet tea, and hated pickles. She snorted when she laughed too hard, and she was still hung up on her ex.

  Could a kiss be a lie if half the feelings behind it were real? Did it make the kiss more of a lie if only one person was aware of them?

  “I was surprised you wore a dress tonight.”

  “Hm? Oh.” Ashley glanced down. “I wear what I want. Usually that means jeans and androgynous choices, but sometimes I feel more masculine or feminine. The clothes are just an extension of my mood.”

  Nira smiled. Even in the low light, her eyes were twinkling. “In case I forgot to tell you, I love your hair. You look especially pretty tonight.”

  Ashley waved a hand in front of her face, as if to fan herself. “Oh, my. You might give me ideas with such flattery.” Her heart was pounding in her ears, but she was certain Nira couldn’t hear it. “And I know I’ve already said it but, you look hot in that.”

  Before Nira could respond, the car slowed and stopped. Ashley waited while Nira paid, wondering if she shouldn’t have just driven herself anyway.

  The idea had been that it was safer in case they decided to have a few drinks at the party. Ashley was thinking the safest bet would be not to drink around Nira.

  She held the car door open for Nira with one hand and reached out to steady her with the other. Nira entwined their fingers out of habit, and Ashley slammed the door a little harder than she intended to.

  Nira raised an eyebrow, a small smile playing on her lips.

  “Oops?” Ashley returned sheepishly.

  Nira’s smile widened. “I didn’t think to ask. Are you nervous about this? It’s okay to change your mind.”

  “Ha.” Ashley was glad she’d gotten her bangs done; they helped hide her face. Why would she be nervous? It’s not like she had any feelings for Nira, whom she was about to publicly come out with as her real, fake girlfriend. Why had she willingly chosen to do this?

  Nira squeezed her hand and pulled her closer. “I’m serious, Ashley. It’s okay to say no.”

  Their legs brushed as Ashley shifted her weight. She tried to swallow because her tongue felt too thick in her mouth. Nira was watching her so intently—all she could think about was how warm the small space between their bodies was, and how much warmer it would be if they were even closer.

  She took a steadying breath. The night wasn’t about her, or her own confusing feelings. “I’m fine. Promise.”

  “Yeah?” Nira looked at her a beat longer before smiling again. “Okay.” They proceeded up the walkway to Terri, Amy, and Leisha’s house.

  Another group of people arrived at the same time. Ashley vaguely recognized them from other times she’d hung out with Nira. “The house looks great tonight,” she said by way of greeting once they were inside.

  “Oh yeah. Amy loves hosting these.” One of
the guys gave her a smile and gestured for her and Nira to head down the hallway first.

  They stopped at the living room in hopes of finding one of their hosts. The furniture had been moved to the edges of the sizeable space, and Ashley chuckled when she saw the carefree way people were dancing to some 90s pop tune that she couldn’t recall the name of.

  “There’s Leisha,” Nira said with a tilt of her head.

  Leisha wasn’t on the dance floor, but instead was leaning against the wall talking with someone Ashley didn’t recognize.

  “Let’s go say hi.” Nira angled her head to the right so she could talk while they walked. “That’s a colleague of hers from the university. We’re all pretty sure he’s closeted, but we never pressure him about it.”