Knowing Her Page 7

  ‘Letters from Sappho, huh?’ Teresa responded as Lian curled up under her comforter.

  ‘Yeah,’ Lian typed out. She bit her lip. ‘Kinda perfect, right?’

  ‘Absolutely. Also, hey, I’m sorry I forgot to give you your sweater back.’

  Lian sighed and rolled over onto her side. ‘No worries. I’ve got two more just like it.’

  As she waited for Teresa to text back, the ball of anxiety in her stomach loosened. Teresa had looked cute in her hoodie.

  Chapter Six

  Teresa’s movements were slow as she began to rise from the depths of slumber. She stretched as far as her arms would reach, her legs twisting as she gently rolled her body from side to side. Her arm bumped soft fabric. She blinked her eyes open and found herself staring at the raised back of Vivian’s unbelievably cozy couch.

  Ah, yes. She’d left her car parked at Vivian’s and had been too tired to make the trip home. At least she’d had the forethought to pay a neighbor to watch Artemis overnight, just in case. Teresa smiled at the pristine white ceiling. She’d been over several times, but it was only her second time sleeping over. Her smile turned wistful.

  When they were kids, Vivian had sometimes asked to sleep in her room when a thunderstorm was too loud, or a movie had been too spooky. She could remember grudgingly agreeing every time. Anything for her baby sister, even at three in the morning.

  She wondered what Vivian had done after she’d run away.

  A lump in her throat, she sat up and undid her ponytail. Her hair was always a complete mess after sleeping. She finger-combed and re-fastened it, knowing it was unlikely she could borrow a brush from Vivian. Vivian’s hair was completely different—slinky, straight, and smooth. For a moment, Teresa envied how easy it must be to handle.

  “Oh, good. You’re up.”

  Teresa stifled a yawn, her eyes watering with effort as she glanced over to where Vivian’s voice had come from. “Morning,” she said with a lopsided smile.

  Vivian was in a white t-shirt several sizes too large, emblazoned with a cartoon character Teresa wasn’t familiar with. The hem stopped just short of mid-thigh. Her short hair was pulled back.

  Catching Teresa’s gaze, Vivian smiled and glanced down. “I stole this from April.”

  “Ah, makes sense.” Teresa adjusted her wrinkled clothing, the same she’d been wearing the night before. She’d been too tired to bother changing, only barely managing to get her makeup off with some disposable wipes before losing consciousness. Well, she had managed a short conversation with Lian. She froze and remembered it was Friday. “Don’t you have to be at work?” She’d needed to swap shifts with someone herself, so had a later start than usual.

  Vivian shook her head and crossed her arms. “I told Irene yesterday I’d be coming in late today. I’m not as young as I used to be.”

  Teresa snorted and rolled her eyes. “Please, you’re not even thirty yet.”

  “I’ve been calling myself thirty since I was twenty-five, just to get used to the idea,” Vivian dryly retorted. She cleared her throat. “Breakfast?”

  “Sure.” Teresa stood, shifting self-consciously from foot to foot. “Is April still here?”

  Vivian smirked. “She lacks my forethought, so no. I took pity on her and asked Mom to take Makayla to school this morning.”

  Teresa stiffened and looked down. “Mom was watching Makayla?”

  It took Vivian a moment to respond. “Yes,” she finally said in a soft voice, “the whole family loves that little girl. She got in trouble at school for beating up a boy recently. We grounded her, but Mom baked her a cake. Zoe bought her a new pair of shoes.”

  Curious of the mixed reactions, Teresa tried to ignore the larger mentions of their family. She couldn’t help but wonder what Zoe, one of her favorite cousins, had ended up doing with her life. “Why did Makayla beat up a boy?”

  Vivian sighed, running a hand over her hair. “He’s a bully. While we’re happy she wanted to defend her friend, we’ve told her several times violence isn’t the best answer.” She tilted her head and frowned. “Though I will concede the school has failed to intervene when the boy has gone too far in the past.”

  “Hm.” Teresa shifted from foot to foot again. “I’d like to talk about this more, but I need to pee really badly.”

  She didn’t wait for a response, instead rushing to the bathroom while Vivian laughed under her breath.

  Some minutes later, she was sighing happily as she splashed water on her face. She patted her skin dry with a hand towel, pausing in front of the mirror to examine her face. The money she’d invested in laser hair removal had maintained its value another day. Which was good, considering the amount of debt she still carried. Her new pay helped in whittling it down that much faster. Who knew? Home ownership might eventually be a viable choice again.

  With a chuckle, she wandered off to find Vivian. “So,” she said as she entered the kitchen. Vivian was already at the stove, their breakfast sizzling away. “What’s the story with this bully?” she asked as she took a seat at the kitchen bar.

  Vivian clicked her tongue. “We’re not sure. They’ve talked to him before, after a lot of pushing from April. They think he likes Makayla’s friend but doesn’t know how to show it.”

  “Well that’s not toxic at all.” Teresa frowned as old memories of locker rooms threatened to surface. She shook them away. “I think I’d have bought Makayla three new pairs of shoes if that’s what she was trying to stop.”

  There was a long beat of silence. Vivian sighed and turned. “Yes, I know. We just… there’s been a lot of terrible things in the news, you know? We don’t want Makayla to get comfortable relying on violence, especially when she could easily become a target herself. She’s half black in a predominantly white school, she’s technically an orphan, and she’s being raised by a queer couple.”

  Teresa’s frown deepened. “Is she being bullied?”

  Vivian considered the question, then laughed. She resumed attending to their breakfast. “No, I don’t think she’d stand for that. We’re lucky to live in a more liberal area, though we have talked about sending Makayla to a private school just to be safe.”

  “That makes sense.” Teresa pressed her hands down on the cool surface of the counter and took a deep breath. “You know, when I ran away it was because I was scared. Not because of you or Mom or Dad, but because of the state’s laws. Well, okay, maybe I was terrified about what would happen when I came out. Maybe you all would support me, maybe you wouldn’t, but I wasn’t sure what I would do if you all didn’t accept me. And I needed acceptance. After I understood what I was feeling, it was like every day when I woke up, I couldn’t breathe. I was living a stranger’s life, going through the motions in a stranger’s body to live a life that wasn’t mine.” She pressed her fingertips hard against the marble. “It was easier to run away than to potentially face any of you hating me, especially considering how horrible trans rights were in this state then.” She stopped and shook her head. “But in the time I’ve spent traveling here and there for work, somehow this place has become one of the better places to live. It’s no California, but who knew?”

  Vivian swiftly turned the stove off, her back to Teresa. When she spoke, her voice was low. “Lian did say you’d been living here for a while when she found you. I’d thought maybe, if she hadn’t approached you, maybe you would have finally come to us on your own.”

  Teresa’s stomach churned. She swallowed. “That was the plan. I just don’t know how long it would have taken me.” She pursed her lips and inhaled deeply. “I’ve grown so comfortable in my own skin that I forgot what it felt like to be a scared teenager. Of course, there’s always been scary moments. I’m passing, but I haven’t always been.” She brought her hand to her throat. It had been the last of her surgeries. Thankfully, once she’d put on a little more weight in her mid-twenties, her facial features had softened more. If it had felt like an option when she was younger, she would have chosen h
er facial feminization as her first big surgery. Up until that point, she’d consoled herself with the fact that many women weren’t completely happy with their appearance. It had worked out in its own way.

  Vivian stiffened, her hands clutching the edges of the stove. With a shuddering breath, she twisted to face Teresa. Her nose was pink, and her eyes were shimmering. “No matter how you looked, or sounded, or anything, I would have accepted you.”

  Part of Teresa wanted to say, ‘How could you know that for sure’ but the words never made it to her tongue. Her throat felt thick, and as she got up from her stool, her limbs felt heavy. It wasn’t Vivian, the accomplished businesswoman she was seeing; it was a worried, sad little girl who wished she’d opened her door at 3 AM. Teresa clumsily made it to the stove and opened her arms.

  When Vivian immediately fell into the hug with a sob, Teresa squeezed her eyes shut. A little of the fear she’d been carrying around faded. “I’m sorry I never gave you that chance,” Teresa admitted in a whisper. It wasn’t her fault, she knew, but a part of her couldn’t help but wonder how much easier everything would have been if she’d had her sister along for the journey.

  “It’s not your fault,” Vivian mumbled, unknowingly echoing Teresa’s thoughts, “I just need you to know I love you. No matter what.”

  For the first time since their reunion, Teresa allowed herself to truly believe it.

  She hugged Vivian tighter.

  ***

  Lian stared at Teresa’s apartment building, wondering why she was standing outside of it. Logically, she knew why. Teresa had again texted to apologize for inadvertently stealing Lian’s hoodie, offering to drop it off at Lian’s convenience. Having already discussed the subject of the sweater and how little she needed it, Lian had concluded that Teresa wanted company. Since she’d just finished up a preliminary consultation for a new client, she offered to stop by Teresa’s on her way home.

  Teresa agreed, confirming Lian’s suspicion. Still, she worried if Vivian wouldn’t be better company for Teresa.

  With a shrug, Lian climbed the short flight of steps leading to the entrance. An elevator ride and several minutes later, she was outside Teresa’s door. She knocked.

  There was no response.

  Teresa knew of her arrival; Lian had made a point to text right after parking. She frowned. The door suddenly opened, a frazzled-looking Teresa stepping back with an apologetic look.

  As quickly as it had settled on Lian, Teresa’s attention almost immediately returned to her phone conversation. “No, Holly. I can’t believe you’d think that. No!”

  With a scowl, Lian stepped inside. Teresa strode away brusquely, her movements sharp and upset. Lian closed the door behind herself. She relaxed when an agitated Artemis brushed against her legs, seeking comfort.

  Lian picked Artemis up without another thought, soothing the animal and allowing herself to be soothed in return. They stood at the door while Teresa continued to pace.

  “Please don’t say that,” Teresa said, looking pained. “You know I—no. Holly, I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.” When her face scrunched up and she looked ready to cry, Lian had to force herself not to march over and take the phone away.

  “Well, I think that’s all that needs to be said.” Teresa pinched the bridge of her nose and slumped her shoulders. The call ended without further conversation, Teresa blindly tossing the phone to the couch. She covered her face with both hands. Her inhale lightly echoed against her cupped fingers, and a moment later she dropped her arms and pasted on an awkward smile. “Sorry. Um, obviously, Holly finally called.” She blinked and rubbed her forehead. “I had your sweater in my hands at some point, I swear. Let me find it. I just wasn’t expecting,” she cut herself off with a wince.

  Without a word Lian moved forward, still cradling the purring Artemis. She stopped an arm’s length from Teresa and gently offered Artemis over.

  Teresa looked at her, then at the cat. Her smile wobbled as she accepted Artemis. Lian cupped the back of one of her hands during the exchange, hoping Teresa understood.

  With flushed cheeks, Teresa fleetingly met Lian’s eyes—before burying her face in Artemis’s fur. Lian waited for several moments before speaking, remaining where she stood. She didn’t want to make things worse.

  “Thank you. I’m sorry I’m such a mess lately,” Teresa said without otherwise moving.

  Lian tucked her hands into her pockets, then pulled them free again to fidget with one of her sleeves. “Not at all. You’re dealing with a lot, and remarkably well at that.”

  “We’ll go with that.” Teresa sighed, then dropped Artemis to a more comfortable position against her chest. She pressed a kiss to Artemis’s head. “Sorry, now that I’m calmer, let’s find your sweater.”

  She wouldn’t quite meet Lian’s gaze. When she took a half step back, Lian reached out to lightly brush her arm. “Hey.” Warm amber-brown finally looked her way. Lian tilted her head. “You wanna talk about it?”

  Teresa laughed without humor. She pressed a hand to her temple. “I had this super emotional talk with Vivian today, you know? I wasn’t ready for more. Holly totally blindsided me, but what’s new?” She sighed. “Would you just… stay for a while? Maybe have a glass of wine with me?”

  Though Teresa wasn’t frantic like she had been the previous time Lian was over, Lian still felt concerned. “Sure.” It wasn’t until Teresa was pouring the wine that Lian understood why. Teresa was like a different person, her vivacity and confidence unnaturally absent. She hated that Holly could take that away.

  They talked about nonsensical things for the first glass, gradually meandering over to the couch and armchair in the living room. Teresa turned the TV on but kept the volume low, likely for background noise. During the second glass of wine while Teresa ordered them a pizza, Lian texted her sister to let her know she’d probably be home late. She didn’t normally drink.

  “The dumbest fucking thing,” Teresa hissed an hour later between bites of pizza, “is that when she said she still wanted to see me, a small part of me wanted to agree. It was a tiny, tiny part, but it was still there! I can’t believe I’m so dumb.”

  Frowning, Lian put down her own slice. “You’re not dumb. You’re human. You had genuine feelings for her, and you were seeing each other for, what, nearly half a year? The important thing is that you rejected her.”

  Teresa stared past the TV, swallowing a bite with effort. With a look of mild disgust, she discarded the remnants of her pizza to the top of the box it’d come from. “You’re sweet, but I’m dumb and alone and, god, why do I hate the last part so much? Holly and I hardly spent any time together.”

  Lian grunted her displeasure. She scrutinized the empty wine bottle on the coffee table, then the couch. With effort, she stood and flopped down next to Teresa. “You’re not alone, you’re just feeling lonely.”

  “Don’t remind me,” Teresa muttered with a half-laugh, half-cry. She slumped, her hair tickling softly against Lian’s shoulder.

  “I didn’t finish. I wanted to remind you that you’ve got lots of people in your life that care about you. Vivian, April, Sharon, me. Makayla, too, of course.”

  Teresa crossed her arms. “It’s not the same.”

  Lian gripped her knees as she attempted to build up her courage. “No, it’s better. We’re in your corner, no matter what.”

  “Oh, no.” Teresa’s face pinkened as she covered her mouth. She shook her head. “I can’t handle this twice in one day.”

  “What?” Lian asked with a small frown.

  “I,” Teresa shook her head and sniffled. She pursed her lips, unable to speak as she began to cry.

  It was puzzling, Lian thought as she ineptly raised her arm up and around Teresa’s shoulder, how much Teresa made her wish she was less awkward with people. A surge of warmth grew in her chest when Teresa leaned into her, accepting the comfort.

  Maybe, Lian realized as Teresa curled an arm around her waist, it only mattered th
at she tried. She closed her eyes. “Take all the time you need.”

  ***

  Days slipped into weeks, and before Teresa knew it, June was ending. It had been a tumultuous month. She’d loved being with Holly, even if she hadn’t been sure if she was in love with Holly yet. After the sole nasty call from her former lover, they hadn’t spoken again. It had been good for Teresa in more ways than one. She and Vivian had grown closer, their bond finally deepening to what they’d both been hoping for.

  Unexpectedly, she and Lian had also become better friends.

  She had dinner with Vivian, April, and Makayla multiple times a week, and with Lian almost as frequently. Maybe Teresa was being too greedy, but for the time being she was allowing it. No one seemed to mind, with Lian surprising her the most. Sometimes she thought Lian simply liked being needed. Well, who didn’t want to feel needed?