The Art of Pretending Read online

  Nira surprised her by once again taking her hand. It made Ashley feel protective. If these were Nira’s friends, why was she so anxious around them? They should be helping her through the heartrending break-up, not making things worse. Ashley kept her thoughts to herself. She swallowed, then smiled across the table at Amy. “Yes, I do. I’m an assistant manager there.”

  Terri, who had arrived just before Amy had finished preparing dinner, leaned forward. “Interesting. So, how old are you?”

  “Twenty-six.”

  Leisha, who was sitting furthest from Ashley, sputtered. “Nira, you’re robbing the cradle!”

  “We’re friends. I didn’t know there was an age gate for that.” Nira seemed calm, but her grip on Ashley’s hand tightened.

  Ashley took a sip of her water, not letting on that her other hand wasn’t free. She wondered if, months ago, they’d had this same conversation with Regan. To Ashley’s understanding, thirty-seven-year-old Regan was seeing someone even younger than Ashley. She hadn’t wanted to hurt Nira more by asking for specifics. Regan and Nira had a five-year age gap between them, while she and Nira only differed by a year more. She wouldn’t point that out, especially not in that context.

  “I’ve always been interested in becoming Nira’s friend.” She twisted her glass and addressed Terri. “We always had nice chats at Melby’s.”

  Next to Terri, Amy smiled. “We don’t eat out a lot, but Melby’s is great.”

  “I’ve been there a few times for work lunches. Mary is a sweetheart.” Leisha smiled.

  Ashley glanced from Leisha, to Amy, to Terri. All three were looking at her. She returned Leisha’s smile. “Yes, she is. She’s smart, and still manages to run the restaurant like everyone there is family. We all take care of each other.”

  “So, what about you? Your family? Are you originally from around here?” Terri was the most relaxed of the three, Ashley had noticed. Her long, straight dark brown hair was down around her light bronze shoulders, which were left bare in her dressy blue sleeveless blouse. Her dark eyes were steady as she waited, taking a sip of her coffee.

  Though the questions gave her pause, Ashley made a point to appear equally relaxed. “I’m originally from a much smaller town you probably haven’t heard of, and no longer in contact with my biological family. They didn’t take my coming out well.”

  Leisha made a noise in her throat and leaned forward. Her grey eyes had softened, a sheen appearing to them that surprised Ashley; Leisha had seemed the most suspicious of her presence. “The family you choose is as important as the one you’re born with, if not more.”

  Amy murmured something and reached out to take Leisha’s hand, her pale skin a stark contrast with Leisha’s deep brown. Terri took Amy’s other hand, and Leisha seemed comforted by the connection.

  For a moment, Ashley was envious of them.

  The brief sense of longing was quickly replaced by a soft feeling of hope; the world wasn’t a completely terrible place, not with the existence of such warm, obvious affection.

  “I think so too,” Ashley said quietly.

  The shimmering in Leisha’s eyes intensified, then she smiled. “Don’t mind me, I’m on my period. I cried when a bird tripped over its own feet this morning.”

  “And when Terri used the last of the milk yesterday,” Amy helpfully reminded her.

  Leisha stifled a laugh, then affected a pout. “Leave me some dignity, woman.”

  “You brought it up,” Terri retorted with a wink and a grin.

  Nira squeezed Ashley’s hand, pulling her attention from the (adorable) exchange.

  ‘What is it?’ she mouthed after a quick glance to the busy trio.

  “Thank you.” Nira whispered. Her eyes were full of indescribable emotion, and Ashley couldn’t be sure what she was being thanked for.

  Nira’s friends didn’t seem like terrible people. They’d been put in an awful position; further discussion had made her realize that Leisha and Regan had grown up together, and they’d all been friends for years before Regan and Nira had even met.

  Some bonds weighed more heavily than others. Though Ashley believed that she would have told Nira in their place, she couldn’t be completely certain. She didn’t have bonds like that anymore. Leaving the town she’d grown up in had been like death and rebirth all at once.

  She adjusted her grip of Nira’s hand. Silently, she hoped that the others would better friends to Nira—and that she would be a good one as well. Nira had always come into Melby’s with a certain sort of cheer about her, a quiet confidence that Ashley enjoyed. It was missing, and Ashley couldn’t stand it. Whatever she needed to do that could help restore that in Nira, she would.

  Vowing to try and temper her own nature—she’d been told she could be overwhelming when she wanted to fix a problem—she smiled. “Talk later,” she murmured under her breath.

  Clanging on the other side of the table drew their attention. Amy was shaking her head and muttering to herself. “Excuse me,” she said as she ducked under the table.

  Recalling Nira’s earlier reaction, Ashley attempted to release Nira’s hand.

  Distracted by a discussion with Terri, Nira responded by snugly interlacing their fingers.

  Ashley gave her a startled look, but Nira didn’t seem to notice.

  Unsure what to do, Ashley smiled and pretended to be following the conversation. Out of the corner of her eye, she witnessed Amy jerk upright, cutlery once again in hand.

  Amy sent Leisha a speculative glance. “I should go rinse these,” she said as she pushed up from her seat.

  “And I could use more coffee,” Leisha added as she also stood. “Anyone else want a refill?”

  Terri held her cup up, but neither Nira nor Ashley indicated they wanted more.

  From under her lashes, Ashley watched Amy and Leisha disappear toward the kitchen. She couldn’t help but wonder if they were gossiping about what Amy had surely seen, or what Nira would think of that if she knew.

  Later, Ashley reminded herself. She’d ask later. She softly rubbed the side of Nira’s hand and ignored the way her own heart was racing.

  ***

  After dinner, they sat and socialized for nearly two hours. For the first time since her split from Regan, Nira had a good time with her friends. Terri and Amy worked the following day, and Nira was relieved. As well as she’d held it together, she’d worried something would set her off at any moment.

  She and Nira stood huddled together on the porch after bidding their farewells. They’d come in separate cars at Nira’s insistence, but she found herself regretting it. Spending time with Ashley away from Melby’s was far different than she’d expected. Ashley was even more open and relaxed, despite Nira clinging to her to an almost embarrassing degree.

  “Walk with me?” Nira asked. Her cheeks felt too hot for the cool air, but she was curious. She stuffed her hands into the pockets of her coat as Ashley seemed to consider the question.

  “Okay, yeah.” Ashley shrugged and zipped up her hoodie. “It’s a nice night.”

  Nira followed her glance upward, smiling at the stars. “A new moon. I hadn’t realized.”

  “Funny timing, given everything.” Ashley lightly scuffed her boot against the porch. “We should move before the chill sets in our bones.”

  Tempted to loop her arm through Ashley’s under the guise of needing the warmth, Nira forced herself out onto the sidewalk first.

  Maybe she was getting carried away with the concept of having an emotional support person. She nibbled her lower lip. “I’m not always this needy,” she explained as they turned left and began down the block.

  Ashley glanced her way, then chuckled. “Nira, it’s fine. You need the support and I’m happy to give it.” She paused, and Nira regretted the darkness left by the gap in streetlights. “Is that what you were thanking me for earlier?”

  “Kind of,” Nira hedged. She debated with herself, then huffed out a breath. “But mostly because… with you there, they we
re acting normally.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Nira sighed. “You know, the whole walking on eggshells thing. They’re very open and affectionate with one another, and they haven’t really been doing that around me as much. It was always like they were scared to remind me they’re happy, but also trying to help me pretend like everything is fine. It isn’t. It hasn’t been.” She paused. “Admittedly, I got worse after I found out the truth. They probably just didn’t know how to help.”

  And felt guilty, she silently added. “It’s been superficial chats and awkward silences for a while with them. It’s part of the reason I’ve been staying in too much.” It wasn’t that she hated her new, small apartment. The space had been oddly freeing after keeping up with the two-story house she and Regan had shared. It just wasn’t her home yet, despite having occupied it for nearly six months. She still felt too wounded to connect to anything that deeply. “So again, thank you.”

  Ashley swerved to bump their arms together. “You’re doing me a favor, too. You don’t need to keep thanking me.”

  “Ha! As if.” Nira shook her head.

  “No, really.” Ashley paused under a streetlight, a sheepish smile on her face. “I work too much. I haven’t really made many friends here that aren’t from Melby’s. Which is fine, except we tend to talk about work more than I’d like.”

  Nira sucked on her lower lip, considering something. “Did you move here, you know, after the thing with your family?”

  Ashley’s lips thinned into a line. She crossed her arms. “Yeah.”

  Feeling as if she’d misspoken, Nira cleared her throat and moved some nonexistent stray hairs behind her ear. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.”

  “It’s not that, really.” Ashley ducked her head down, then looked back up at Nira. “It’s colder than I realized. I wish I’d brought a coat.”

  Nira burst into laughter, then immediately felt guilty. “Come on, let’s get you to your car.” She reasoned it was fine to establish contact then—Ashley was cold, after all—and wrapped an arm around Ashley’s back to huddle together.

  Ashley gave her a grateful smile (it was the right thing to do!) and they shuffled back the way they came.

  When they arrived at Ashley’s car, she paused and looked at Nira. “I’m off tomorrow. If you wanted to hang out, or anything. We could finish our talk.”

  “I’d like that. I know we covered some of the basics through text, but I really want to get to know you better.” Nira smiled because it was true. “What did you have in mind?”

  Ashley shivered. “Oh, um. I kind of want to find some new things to read. There’s this queer bookstore I like to go to. They have a little deli inside. That sound okay?”

  “That sounds perfect.”

  She could feel the rumble of Ashley’s chuckle under her hand, and she unconsciously pushed closer. Ashley’s sweater really was too thin.

  “I’m okay with that. We should probably take one car since parking can be a hassle in that part of town, but it’s up to you.”

  Realizing they’d been standing in front of Ashley’s blue sedan for a couple of minutes, Nira forced herself to pull away. Ashley really needed to get warmer. “I’ll text you my address. You should probably get in your car.”

  “Yes, Mom,” Ashley said with a small salute. She dug into the pocket of her jeans, then held up a loaded ring of keys. “I’ll text you when I get home, either way.”

  Nira waited while Ashley unlocked her car and got in, then crossed the street to her own sedan. To her amusement, Ashley waited until she started her car before pulling out.

  With a wave, Ashley drove off. Nira hummed to herself as her car warmed up, rapidly composing a text with her address before she forgot. She trusted Ashley to wait to check it until she got home. That done, she drove off with a smile. The sooner she got to her apartment, the sooner she could sleep—and the sooner the next day would come.

  Later when she was in bed, she would marvel at how long it had been since she’d been excited at the prospect of tomorrow.

  Three

  Ashley felt very gay.

  Both gay as in ‘happy,’ and gay as in ‘holy hell, women were the most wonderful creation in existence.’

  Any vague notion of calm Ashley had about their friend-date evaporated the moment Nira opened the door to her apartment.

  It wasn’t that Nira had particularly dressed up or done something special with her makeup. In fact, Nira was dressed down compared to how Ashley was used to seeing her at Melby’s. The jeans she’d picked were torn in a few spots, and she had on a simple black shirt with a rainbow of stripes across her chest. Most distractingly, her dark hair was loose, her cheeks flushed, and her eyes sparkling in a way Ashley had missed.

  Objectively speaking, Nira was incredibly attractive. Subjectively speaking, Nira was really fucking hot.

  Glad that she’d donned sunglasses (Texas sunshine laughed at the notion of winter), Ashley realized Nira was looking at her expectantly, like she was waiting for a response.

  Trying not to panic, she forced a smile. “Hey,” she guessed.

  Nira smiled back. “You want to come in for a minute? I just need to grab something to put my hair up with.”

  “Sure.” Ashley applauded herself. She’d managed to speak in Nira’s presence. She cleared her throat, trying to think of something safe and friendly to say. “Don’t forget a sweater.”

  Nira’s laughter echoed down the entryway as she disappeared further into the apartment. Ashley smiled and leaned back against the door. Though Nira had invited her in, she didn’t feel compelled to explore. She had never seen Nira with her hair down. Was it possible for someone to be both adorable and hot? Was Nira the proof, or the exception?

  Lost in thought, she didn’t notice when Nira returned.

  “You didn’t have to stay here,” Nira admonished with an affectionate smile. “I’m sorry to keep you waiting, by the way. I meant to be ready fifteen minutes before you got here, but my mom called me. I lost track of time.”

  Ashley pushed off from the door and gave Nira an interested look. Nira had added a red zip-up sweater to her outfit. “No worries. You close with your mom?”

  Nira wiggled her head from side to side. “Sort of. We were closer when I was younger, but then I moved for college. We have been talking more again since,” Nira grimaced, “you know.”

  “I’m glad you have her to talk to.” Ashley gave her an encouraging smile. “She offer any sage advice?”

  “The usual.” Nira nibbled her lower lip and fidgeted with the collar of her shirt. “She actually wants me to move back home. I’m… thinking about it.”

  Taken aback but not wanting to show it, Ashley tilted her head. “Where’s home, originally?”

  Nira chuckled and smoothed some hair behind her ear. “I was born in New York but grew up in Pennsylvania. My parents and little sister are still there.”

  Far, Ashley’s mind unhelpfully supplied. She forced a smile. “I hear it’s nice to have seasons.” She had several friends that lived far away. It wouldn’t necessarily mean the end of their friendship. Considering recent events, a move might be the best option for Nira.

  Again, Nira wiggled her head. “It has its ups and downs. I’ve been in Texas a while. I have a life here. I don’t know. I promised to visit for my cousin’s bat mitzvah this summer. We’ll see how I feel then.” She stopped and looked around. “Why am I still talking? There are queer books to find! Let’s go.”

  “That’s the spirit.” Ashley turned and opened the door. She paused. “You have your keys?” Her question was met with the sound of scurrying footsteps. She stifled a laugh and patiently waited, holding the door wider when Nira returned.

  “Don’t say anything,” Nira warned with a raised finger.

  Ashley made a zipping motion over her lips, then bowed and waved a hand toward the door.

  Nira huffed and ineffectively shoved Ashley’s lower back. The door only faintly moved
at her shoulder. “No winning points back with faux chivalry.”

  Ashley squinted; she hadn’t done anything wrong. More pressing, Nira’s hand remained on her back. She tried to ignore it.

  “Your eyes were laughing, Ashley.”

  Ashley gasped dramatically and clutched at something imaginary around her neck. Nira was too close, but it was fine. Fine.

  Nira frowned, her gaze dropping below Ashley’s neck, then back up to Ashley’s face. “Are you… trying to clutch your pearls?” She pinched the bridge of her nose. “Please speak again, you’re more annoying this way. Somehow.”